You've asked your child three times to put on their shoes. Your voice gets louder. Their body gets stiffer. Suddenly you're in a standoff, and nobody's putting on shoes.
This is one of the most common cycles parents find themselves in. You need your child to do something. They resist. You push harder. They dig in deeper. Before you know it, the shoes don't matter anymore - it's become about who's in charge.
Here's the thing: you don't have to win this battle, because it was never supposed to be a battle. The way we ask matters just as much as what we ask. And when we shift how we prompt our kids, power struggles lose their fuel.
Our job is to support, not to control. When we guide with connection instead of pressure, children are far more likely to cooperate, because cooperation grows from safety, not fear.
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Our job is to support, not to control.
The foundation of every strategy on this page
Not every request needs the same energy. Think of prompting on a spectrum - from direct instructions to open-ended questions. The more autonomy you can offer, the more cooperation you'll usually get.
When your child is hitting
When it's time to leave the park
When screen time needs to end
When to use which: Direct prompts are right for safety situations (“Stop - the road is dangerous”). For everything else, moving toward indirect prompts and guiding questions builds your child's problem-solving skills, sense of autonomy, and willingness to cooperate.
Power struggles happen when a conversation turns into a contest, where the focus shifts from solving a problem to winning. Recognizing the signs is the first step to stepping out.
A power struggle is any interaction where both you and your child are locked into opposing positions, and neither person feels they can back down without “losing.” The original issue (shoes, homework, bedtime) fades into the background. What's left is tension, escalation, and disconnection.
You've gone from asking to telling to demanding, and it's getting louder each time.
“If you don't do it right now, then...” You're adding consequences that keep escalating.
It's no longer about the task. It feels like a battle of wills - about respect, authority, or control.
You keep saying the same thing louder, and they keep saying “no” in different ways.
You can't win a power struggle, because even when you “win,” you lose connection. Here's what to try instead.
Give your child a sense of control within safe boundaries. The task still gets done, but they have a say in how.
If what you're doing isn't working, do something different. Saying the same thing louder isn't a new strategy.
Many children need more processing time than we expect. A 10-second pause can prevent a 10-minute meltdown.
You can't regulate your child if you're dysregulated. Take a breath. Lower your shoulders. Slow your voice.
Sometimes kids resist because the task feels too big, not because they're being defiant. Offering support isn't giving in.
Not everything is worth a fight. Ask yourself: will this matter in an hour? Tomorrow? If not, it might be worth letting go.
Move from direct to indirect. Instead of commanding, try an open-ended question that invites your child to think and problem-solve.
Decades of research show that humans, including children, have three basic psychological needs: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. When these needs are met, intrinsic motivation flourishes. When they're thwarted (through control, coercion, or pressure), resistance and disengagement increase.
Deci, E.L. & Ryan, R.M. (2000). “The 'what' and 'why' of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior.” Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268.
Children do well if they can. When they can't meet expectations, it's because they're lacking the skills, not the motivation. Collaborative problem-solving (identifying the concern, inviting the child's perspective, brainstorming together) produces more durable solutions than imposing adult will.
Greene, R.W. (2014). The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children. 5th ed. Harper.
When a child is dysregulated, the logical brain goes offline. Trying to reason, lecture, or issue demands in that state is like talking to a wall, because the part of the brain that can process those things isn't available. The research is clear: connect first (safety, empathy, co-regulation), then redirect (problem-solving, expectations).
Siegel, D.J. & Bryson, T.P. (2014). No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind. Bantam Books.
Challenging behavior is not the result of poor motivation, attention-seeking, or willful defiance. It's the result of lagging skills and unsolved problems. When we shift from “making kids want to behave” to helping them build the skills they need, behavior changes, and relationships improve.
Ablon, J.S. (2018). Changeable: How Collaborative Problem Solving Changes Lives at Home, at School, and at Work. TarcherPerigee.
A child's nervous system is wired to pick up on the emotional state of the adults around them. When a parent stays calm and regulated during a challenging moment, the child's nervous system receives a powerful signal of safety, which is the prerequisite for cooperation.
Porges, S.W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W.W. Norton.
Breaking out of power struggle patterns takes practice and support. If you'd like guidance tailored to your family, Justine can help.
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