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Understanding Social Thinking

How we think about others, read social cues, and navigate the invisible rules of being together.

Social Thinking is a methodology developed by Michelle Garcia Winner that helps people understand the social world around them. It goes beyond teaching social "rules" and instead focuses on why we do what we do in social situations, and how our behavior affects others' thoughts and feelings.

For children who are neurodivergent or who process the social world differently, Social Thinking provides a vocabulary and framework that makes the invisible visible. It's not about compliance. It's about understanding.

Social Thinking teaches us that social skills start with social awareness. Before we can change what we do, we need to understand what we think and feel, and what others might be thinking and feeling, too.

Key Concepts

These are the core ideas that make Social Thinking different from traditional social skills programs. Each concept gives children (and adults) language for things they're already experiencing.

Thinking With Your Eyes

Our eyes do more than see. They help us figure out what other people are doing, feeling, and planning. "Thinking with your eyes" means using what you observe to understand a situation before you act.

  • Noticing that a parent looks tired after a long day (which might mean it's not the best time to ask for something big)
  • Seeing that a sibling looks upset and deciding to check in
  • Reading the room at dinner to figure out if it's a chatty, playful moment or a quieter one
Try saying

"What are your eyes telling you about what's happening right now?"

Expected and Unexpected Behaviors

Instead of labeling behavior as "good" or "bad," Social Thinking uses the terms expected and unexpected. Expected behaviors are ones that make sense in a given situation. Unexpected behaviors are ones that surprise or confuse the people around us.

This shift removes shame. A behavior isn't wrong because a child is bad. It's unexpected because it doesn't match what the situation calls for, and that's something we can explore together.

  • Waiting your turn to talk at dinner = expected. Shouting over everyone = unexpected.
  • Laughing during a funny movie = expected. Laughing when someone shares something sad = unexpected.
  • Using a calm voice inside the house = expected. Screaming indoors = unexpected.
Try saying

"That was unexpected for this situation. What do you think people around you might be feeling?"

The Group Plan

Most situations have an unspoken group plan. When the family sits down for dinner, the group plan is to eat together and talk. When everyone is getting ready to leave the house, the group plan is to get shoes on and head to the car.

Children who struggle socially often aren't aware that a group plan exists. Naming it helps them understand what's expected without feeling singled out.

  • "The group plan right now is to clean up after dinner. Let's think about how you can be part of it."
  • "At Grandma's house, the group plan is sitting together and visiting. What does that look like?"
  • "The group plan changed. Now we're getting ready to leave. Let's follow the new plan."
Try saying

"What's the group plan right now? How can you be part of it?"

Size of the Problem

Not all problems are the same size, and our reactions should match the size of the problem. A small problem (someone bumped you in line) calls for a small reaction. A big problem (someone is hurt) calls for a bigger response.

Many children have big reactions to small problems, not because they're dramatic, but because their nervous system perceives the problem as bigger than it is. Teaching "size of the problem" gives them a framework for calibrating their response.

  • Tiny problem: Your pencil broke. Solution: Get a new one.
  • Medium problem: Someone said something that hurt your feelings. Solution: Talk to them or a trusted adult.
  • Big problem: Someone is being unsafe. Solution: Get an adult right away.
Try saying

"Let's think about the size of this problem. Is it small, medium, or big? What size reaction matches it?"

Comfortable and Uncomfortable Thoughts

When we do expected things, people tend to have comfortable thoughts about us. When we do unexpected things, people may have uncomfortable thoughts. This isn't about making everyone happy. It's about understanding the connection between our behavior and how others experience us.

This concept helps children develop perspective-taking without judgment. It's not "you were bad," it's "people might have had uncomfortable thoughts about that. Let's talk about it."

Try saying

"When you shared your snack with your sister, she probably had comfortable thoughts about you. How does that feel?"

Body in the Group

Having your body in the group means physically showing that you're part of what's happening: facing the speaker, staying in your spot, keeping your body calm. It's not just about obedience. When your body is in the group, it signals to others that you're present and engaged, which helps everyone feel connected.

  • During family dinner, body in the group means sitting at the table, facing everyone
  • During a family game night, it means staying close and paying attention to the game
  • Walking away or turning your back sends the message "I'm not part of this"
Try saying

"Let's get our bodies in the group so everyone knows we're part of the plan."

Language Shifts

Small changes in the words we use can shift a child's entire experience. Here are some Social Thinking language swaps for everyday moments.

Instead of

"Stop being bad."

Try

"That was unexpected for this situation."

Instead of

"Pay attention!"

Try

"Think with your eyes. What's the group plan?"

Instead of

"You're overreacting."

Try

"What size is this problem? What size reaction matches?"

Instead of

"Nobody will want to play with you."

Try

"When we do that, people might have uncomfortable thoughts."

Instead of

"Sit down and be quiet."

Try

"Let's get our bodies in the group."

Instead of

"You need to follow the rules."

Try

"What's the group plan right now?"

What Would You Say?

Practice using Social Thinking language in real-life moments. Choose the response that best uses the concepts you've learned.

Want help bringing Social Thinking language into your home? Justine can help you build a plan that fits your child's unique way of processing the social world.

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Sources & Further Reading